THE GARRULOUS GRAPE
Why grapes? Because, well, if you are full of hatred and invective towards the world, then you have been sippin' on some sour-flavored hatorade. (My amazing job was really stressy and weird the last two days. Don't judge me for my puns.) Also, grapes call to mind several things appropriate to an I-Hate-My-Boss Party: grape jelly (which smacks of school lunches, arbitrary hierarchies, and authoritarianism), those weird peeled grapes that you can use at Halloween parties as fake eyes to gross people out (which, of course, is a deeply Jungian symbol of how very much you'd like to hold your boss's entrails in your own bloodied, but finally satisfied, hands), as well as the kind of Dionysian bacchanalia that you wish your life would be if you didn't have to slog away at your fucking job so much. Finally, they can also be a potent and politically weighted reminder that no matter how much your job sucks, it's still better than picking fruit in the pre-Cesar Chavez days. Or, let's be honest, the post-Cesar Chavez days.
Plastic fruit: as artificial and tacky as your boss's overblown sense of self-importance.
Whatever symbolic weight they might assume, grapes are, truly, an underutilized foodstuff. They're so much more than just something to be eaten plain or Smuckerfied; a delightful grape relish can go with eggs (poached, fried, or scrambled!) and works wonders in a sandwich. If you have never experienced the unadulterated delight that is grapes and pork conjoined, then I invite you to have at that shit, unless you are Jewish, in which case you'll just have to suffer. (But you should be used to that, right? Zing! Too soon?)
Yes please.
Grapes are a delightful party food because of their physicality as well. They can be held aloft above a lover's mouth, debauched toga-party style, thrown into the waiting lips of a friend when you're bored, or crushed underfoot like you'd like to crush your boss. Also, they keep well, so if you leave them in the office fridge, nobody will hate you by the end of the week. Well, they might, but it wouldn't be about the grapes.
They will not incur you any wrath. (See what I did there, with the "grapes" and the "wrath"? Oh, shut up.)
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