WEDNESDAY::THE DEMO TAPE

THE GRAPES OF RAD: A RECIPE TO RELISH

Yeah, that's right. I just threw down two terrible puns, and we're not even onto the actual recipe yet. This shit is OFF THE CHAIN, y'all!

:red grapes, 1 small bunch:
:green grapes, 1 small bunch:
:2-3 medium-large shallots:
:1 bunch watercress:
:kosher rock salt:
:black pepper:

Fire up the oven to 400 degrees; peel the shallots, loosely wrap them in foil, and then pop them in the pre-heated oven to roast. They go quickly -- about twelve minutes should do you up right -- so don't forget that shit. While they're cooking, though, you get to do something even more fun, and that is... finely dice grapes! I know it sounds whack, but the textural contrast with a regular, undiced grape is really incomparable. Trust me on this. Also trust me that it should ONLY be attempted with a truly sharp knife, or else the drudgery will force you to turn that dull blade to your own wrists. For serious. Dicing grapes is about as much fun as entering data into a spreadsheet, which makes it kind of fitting for a party celebrating why you hate your job.

Once your grapes are diced, toss them in a big bowl; chop your watercress and throw it into the mix. Let the roasted shallots cool, then dice that shit up too, and add it in. Toss in a pinch or several of rock salt, grate in some fresh black pepper, and combine. (Note: the best non-mathematical method of combinatorics is to use your hands. And that's not some weird matroid theory-based sexual entendre -- I'm just sayin', your hands are more effective than a spoon.)

And now, like the obscure math jokes, you are finished.

Works well on: eggs (poached, fried, omelettes); sandwiches; salads; fish; poultry; as a bruschetta. It's as versatile as you are, motherfucker!